I am a broken man

We are now entering day 14 of the great broadband fiasco and I fear that my mental health is now suffering, no honestly, it really is. Yesterday, day 13, myself and Mrs Akela spent a total of 4 hours and 40 minutes on the phone to BT, including my epic 3 hour marathon in the evening. The 3 hour marathon was me trying to get released from our contract without having to pay any fees.

I would like to write and they had argued with me. If they had simply refused at least I could sit here and fume that either I had got into a contract foolishly or that BT were in breach of that contract (which is what I suspect) but I can't. Instead those 3 hours were spent mostly on hold and when I did speak to someone it was spent trying to get them to answer the question and make a decision.

It culminated in a half hour tussle with a "compliance manager" who despite admitting that he was the person that could make a decision (after 20 minutes of grilling and him refusing to answer the question) refused to because by the time I had got through to him the customer service and billing departments were shut. Why he needed them to be open to make a decision was not clear. When I took his name he claimed not to have a second name.

I am not kidding.

3 solid hours on the phone.

3 hours.

2 hours of which were spent listening to hold music.

It is the mental equivalent of water boarding, it really is. My brain this morning feels like it has been dipped in cold custard, it just wont work any more. And later today the whole process starts again as I try to get hold of the compliance manager at the time where he can make the decision that he is paid to make.

British Telecom and the insipid pit of utter wank that is their customer service

Where to begin? Where in the name of all that is holy can you being when describing the hell of trying to get BT to get off their lazy arse and fix my broadband connection, a connection advertised as "up to 24mb" where we can really only get 3mb and where for the last 8 days we have actually got 120kb.

8 days. 8 fucking days. And still I'm told it wont be fixed for another 3 days. And that is after hour after hour on hold, or being transfered (normally to the wrong person), or being cut off, or waiting for call backs that never happen, or being lied to, or being told it's our fault, or denying we are even a customer or that an engineer has even visited us. I kid you not. At one point they even claimed we didn't have a broadband service with them. Well if we're not really a customer I guess we don't have to pay their bill every month right? Right. Oh. I see. Wrong.

How bad did it get? I have been balled out by my boss after I spent 10 minutes ranting down the phone at a call centre monkey. I've been told to make any further calls of such a nature in the stair well and not disturb everyone else. That's only the second bollocking I have had in 9 years with my current employer. Akela is normally a very good boy!

How bad did it get? One attempt at fixing the problem resulted in absolutely nothing happening to the broadband but did result in us not being able to make phone calls for 24 hours. Now I'm no phone engineer but even I reckon I could have pretty good stab at not making the problem fucking worse.

How bad it get? I'm a lazy fucker at heart and really can't be arsed being one of these smug people who shop around changing utility companies because they might save £1.79 in a life time on their electricty, yet for the first time I will be doing so.

How bad did it get? There was the lovely Mrs Akela's epic 1 hour 15 minutes on hold and my epic half an hour. 105 minutes of human existence we will never get back. Over all between us I reckon we've spent over 12 hours on the phone in the last week trying to get this bastard problem fixed. We've been lied to, ignored, criticised refused permission to speak to people and generally treated like an incovenience.

It's a fucking joke. BT are a waste of space and can frankly go shove their broadband up their stinking, festering bone idle arse.

Comments for search engines

BT are crap
BT couldn't organise a piss up in brewery
I'm leaving BT
BT are fucking toss rags
I hate BT
I'm not going to pay my phone bill

BT are Fuckwits

I am still here but following a bout of masterly incompetence by BT since I moved house I still have very limited internet access (I am writing this from a crappy little internet cafe). Hopefully this will be sorted shortly but until then it's difficult to post.

Just how incompetent have they been? Following my last rant down the phone at them the call centre monkey said he would put me through to the complaints department. A few seconds later I was spoken to by a different but strangely familiar voice. I had a hunch, and my hunch proved correct. On interogation this voice admited that it was the same person, he hadn't put me through to anyone different and that he was just pretending.

In the words of Littlecock, you couldn't make it up!