Match Report

England 2
Ukraine 1

Well what can you say about that? Vintage England all over!

*Dodges howls of derision and rotten fruit hurled by readers*

What’s that you say? You disagree with me? You think that eating rusty razor blades while being whipped with lengths of hose pipe for ninety minutes would have provided better entertainment than that? Well I guess your right, but I’m assuming that most of you good readers just endured it from the comfort of your own sofa, I actually saw it unfold before me in the flesh, and trust me, it was a whole lot worse than that.

Nevertheless it was still vintage England, bear with me while I explain.

Players out of position (Gerard, Wright-Philips), inexplicable team selection (Lennon, Lampard), made to look technically inferior by yet another country, star player does best to get sent off (Rooney), turgid performance that was like watching grass grow and yet somehow, by hook or by crook they grind out a result with two big swirling high balls into the mixer, knock down from the big man, goal!

It’s absolute classic stuff.

Play like that against someone like Brazil or Italy and we’ll get murdered.